Men's Pride

Sometimes I wonder how people judge me? Or how do they think of me?

But all those didn't matter much, because why should I give a damn about that? :-P

Though, there is one thing that matters to me; that's how my girlfriend think of me.

Girlfriend's thought about me:

Number 1. Jordan is stupid.
Number 2. Jordan's head is filled with grass.
Number 3. Jordan is fucking retarded.

Bla... its the same. =.= The point is she thought that my brain was eaten by zombie.

Everything was expected to be known by me or foreseen by me or guess by me. So... she expected a seer boyfriend? or houdini?

Oh man... I am destined to be stupid the second you took the sovereignty in our relationship. At least, that's what I think.

It is very common sense wert... Between queen and slave, slave is always the stupid one. Can be seen throughout every situation either in real life, drama, or what so ever. Or maybe he is in the case where he can't show any of his wisdom. >.<

I'm a BIG MAN idealist. I'm a control freak (at least what I wished to be). I hoped to be respected. Even if I'm a true idiot, can't just leave me some space for me to save my pride?

2 possible situation here if this relationship do run long. Firstly, I will become Professor X, and knew everything before my girlfriend even split her words. Second case, super appreciation to other people admiration.

It's common psychology or it's simple logic. Big men without pride, will either broke mentally and keep the rest of his life pretending he's another person; or he will rise and fight back the pride or find it somewhere else.

Bird in the Cage?

People always said that relationship binds them, it just like lockup in the cage.

Couldn't agree more, especially when you met someone who are taking control of everything.

Sadly, I'm considering I'm one of the bird, who are chained.

Yes, I'm free to do anything I like when I'm home. I can play games for hours or read comics for hundred of episodes.

But, it just like you let a bird to sing or dance in the cage freely. It has not much of meaning inside it.

I'm a guy too, I like the idea of taking control in everything. Not being controlled, not at least this kind of level.

I added a female, a female committee in my society. As a committee member myself, I don't see any problem with that. She just a nobody to me except a functioning committee member.

So...what's wrong that I didn't tell anyone about I added a friend in facebook? 

Let's describe it simple and clear. Do you tell your mum that you want to go to pee? No...!!! You will just prefer answering your mum about where you  been just now if she asked. Not telling her that, " Hey mum, I'm going to pee."

Bah...  lets get serious, you don't report to anyone when you added a primary schoolmate right? It's just simple as that...!

Same case, I prefer to tell you anything that you ask, rather than report to you everything before I do it.

I'm not gonna lie about it, I will tell you everything. But not reporting in advance. 

Stuffs like this will got me exploded when "I'm free". It is because I do appreciate freedom a lot. 

I know you will have a sense of security if I do report every tiny things in my life to you. But, it should be at least at an appropriate level, which I recommend; " You will get any answer as long as you asked, or I will tell you if I think the issue is important enough."

Back from the Brink

After two years of neglecting this place, I'm back...!

I tried to have a diary, but its meaning faded. A diary that couldn't keep secret, what's that for??

Circle of friends, I mean real one are getting smaller.

We are close, but the closer we are, the lesser we express our inner emotional stuffs.

SMS and facebook chat are banned/ prohibited.

So... day by day, I'm pretend so much from the moment I woke.

Became stronger from the way I look...

But at the same time my heart and my mind are getting fragile.

Awful Day

Dono why, today my heart keeps beating very fast...

It feels very bad...It wat people call "lo lo luen" or "tan te bu an"

Worried about friends and family, called them, nothing happened...God bless...

Alone in Kampar + Emo + Super fast heartbeat + Very stress feeling

What the hell... > <

Make my day awful~ VERY AWFUL ! ! !

决心

十一月，心情暗淡的一个月...
就酱我们就结束了，想不到真的就酱结束...
心疼，说不出...没人了解...
每晚都会 想起那一刻，快要疯掉...
唯一能压抑心情的是 “抱着要比赛”的念头...
“我要做洲手！我要做洲手！” 是唯一的办法能压抑想哭的感觉...
进不了今年全国大赛也是件遗憾的事...
现在每一天都在锻炼自己，练习，练习，再练习...
每一刻都在想要做 洲手， 一定要做洲手...
没了这念头，我怕我会崩溃...因为太多太多的事都摆在心底...
除此，她的一句 “你比我想象的还要糟”...就像把另一支钉打进心里...
或许我真的那么糟糕，你们俩这辈子可能都不会遇到另一个像我这样的吧...
每时每刻都在责怪自己，内疚，悔意...
我不知我到底要怎...要怎处理这些感受...
我想我会把一切一切不开心的都化作动力...




我一定要做洲手

Biggest Day In My Life

十月二十二日...

我的生日和毕业典礼...  =D

对我来说是意义很大的一天...

不知不觉都三点了，睡了三小时就是我们的毕业典礼了～  ^^

早上，大家穿美美，然后就去学校了...

在CDK 里， 大家都很彷徨，但也带着一丝的兴奋...  : P

大家都在忙着穿毕业袍，真是个难搞的东西，哈哈
之后大家开始去Audit 了，途上拍了些照片，好兴奋哦...

到礼堂后，看到里面有许多家长哦...

理所当然的是，大家都在看自己的家人坐在哪...

我老爸够高，一瞄就瞄到了...  XP

大家抱着紧张的心情，看着别人一个一个地上台拿scroll...

终于到我们时，我紧张到手心一直飙冷汗耶...

担心拿scroll的时候，post不好，照片不好看...毕竟那照片六十多零吉叻...

拿了自己的scroll后，才发现，其实都没什么，自己心里作用   XP

回到台下继续看别人拿scroll，看到些朋友在台上做些很够力的事情，例如突然把dato抱着...看到我们全场傻眼...   @@

很快地，毕业典礼完了...大家都到外面去拍照～

和家人拍了些照...^^

惊奇的是，突然看见比拿着一束花来送我捏...真开心，没想到自己会有花收...  =D

拍了许多照，毕竟这些照片都是一生人只有一次，肯定要拍多些来留念的嘛...

有个经典的画面，Lee Mee又大哭了，外表坚强粗鲁的她，原来外冷内热～  看到我们全部大笑XP

之后呢，大家去吃午餐，在面对面...

啊～好开心，大家又在聚在一起，胡闹，废话，色话，什么都有...XP

之后，大家都开始回自己家乡了，不知何时我们才能全部聚在一起～  T.T

十点多了，怡保朋友下来找我耶...好感动，因为我生日，特地下来～

喝茶了之后，我们又去打机了，又是一番美好的回忆丫～生日有你们在真是太好了...=D

和我当初希望的一样，可以说是梦想成真...

我的生日与家人，比，金宝朋友，怡保兄弟们一起过了～

人生有酱的一天，还会有什么遗憾呢？

实在是这二十年里，最有意义的一天～

今年也是收最多礼物的一年...^^

第一份是爸妈送我的手表...

一开始觉得这表普普通通，但是现在越来越喜欢它了～越看越漂亮～  =D

之后呢，就是妹和朋友们一起送我的衣～

我就是没有这种衣服捏～好喜欢...谢谢妹和大家的心意，Chris的眼光...   =D

之后呢，就是CherKian送我的紧身没袖衣～

还真的是第一次穿这种衣，感觉赤裸裸的～  XP

可惜自己还不够大只，穿得不够好看～会再接再厉的～ ^^

CK, 我知道你送我这一的用意，是想要鼓励我加油吧～我会的    

最后最后呢，就是比朋友们送我的毕业典礼花～

这真的是吓着我的礼物，怎想都不会想到自己会收到花～XP

真的谢谢所有朋友的wishes和礼物...这真的是我最开心的一天...

又大了一岁的我，也踏上学业更上一层楼～

会学习变得更加成熟，稳重～ ^^

Last College's Holidays

自从回来怡保后都没更新这了...
很多时候都是因为晚上累了，或者就是客厅有人...
多两天就要回金宝了...
就说说在这几个星期干了些什么...


在第一个星期参与了老鹰计划营，关于心灵改造的...
做了许多平时都不会做的事...
还在很多人面前分享...算是第一次吧，在那么多人面前说出自己的心声...
除此之外，一个营中当然少不了游戏啦...
游戏不用说，肯定是豁出去了...  =D
我们组破了全场记录，赢奖...爽...
然后至于表演呢，是啦，又是我了...   XD
表演什么呢？我上台能表演什么？难道捧着吉他唱情歌咩？
发梦   XD
怎么每次上台都那么失态，又在那么多人面前扮 lady gaga...
还赢了个杰出表演奖...晕...人生第一次拿金牌，怎么是个扮阿瓜奖啊～  ><
在这营中学了不少东西，还认识了很多新朋友...收获良多丫~


之后呢，就是和 比 去吉隆坡旅行啦...
两天都是逛街看戏...不过也觉得很满足，毕竟那么多私人时间...^^
之后还和比上了趟金马伦... :-D
妈的，打旧路上，晕死...
和一大班朋友一起疯狂了三天，去了许多以前没去过的地方...
三天都是阴天，冷加凉加爽...=D
哇，妈呀，怎么金宝和金马伦那么近，怎么偏偏就，一个是最热，一个是最冷丫？
金马伦那么高吹点冷风下来会死咩？XP


之后的日子都一直窝在家里，因为钱花光了嘛～哈哈
中秋节也没怎庆祝，只是在丁丁家吃些东西然后大家去喝茶聊天罢了...
虽然感觉上好像很无聊，不过一很满足，最喜欢朋友们能齐聚一堂聊翻天...^^
希望每个月我们都能有几次酱的机会，大家聚在一起...
丁丁要出吉隆坡了，六大天王只剩三个在怡保罢了...
城豪也感觉上要出沙巴...
开始散散地了...所谓天下无不散之宴席...
我很不舍得你们的咯...
别看我平时大大声，整个大鬼头那样...
也别觉得我交友广阔那样...
其实最在意的两gang朋友，金宝gang已不能常见，常聚在一起了，怡保gang也开始散了…
感觉心里空了个大洞，空虚...><



虽然穷到不成人样了，不过期间还有出下街...
和最好的知己哎呀“表妹”出街，大家还是那样癫癫废废无所不谈～ =D


还和“烧肉妹”唱了次K...感觉有点尴尬...
知她失恋，感觉也很难受，看她点的那些歌，全都很伤情，旁人听了都心酸了一下...
帮不了什么去哄回她，自己也没资格去说那男生的不是，只能破例开喉唱回些开心的歌，使那气氛没那么悲... XD
还是喜欢看她那笑回的模样，感觉也好些了...
 希望她快快好起来...像名字那样，心情永远都心晴^^


9月15日...成绩出炉了...
全部都及格过关...感谢主...
感觉有点遗憾，达不到目标，3.2，我只拿3.1916...
啊...真是遗憾，只能怪自己不够努力…
同时有朋友过不了关，不能一起去毕业典礼...
心疼她们，替她们难过...
完成不了当初我们八个人的约定，“八个人一起去毕业典礼”  ><
毕业典礼又落在我生日当天，我恨恨恨想和你们八个一起度过这难忘的一天啊...
我不需要任何祝贺，任何礼物...
我只要和怡保gang畅谈喝茶，打盘精彩的dota...和金宝八人gang在天星园吃顿午餐，谈个几小时的粗口色话八卦...载比去西湖逛逛...完了，什么都够了...非常非常够了...

“再也不”

终于考完试了，应该说我两年多的学院终于结束了~
真的很不舍得，毕竟这两年是这二十年来最精彩最疯狂的~

再也不能和他们定时地在天星园茶室吃午餐了~
再也不能和他们吹水吹到满口粗话～
再也不能和他们一起开色情玩笑～
再也不能像平时那样叫肥叮当 “肥海，某吃那么多啦，你明知你肥"
再也听不到阿欣疯狂的笑声～
再也听不到阿Nick，娘娘腔地说污浊的黄色笑话～
再也看不到AB那娇娇的样子～
再也不能和阿高谈动漫～

与我同屋整年多的 Victor 也搬出去了～
刚刚到家时，感觉上客厅少了许多东西～
Victor不再坐在那上网看戏～也没开着门睡午觉～
门口少了对鞋，厕所牙刷少了一支，一人一个的衣篮也少了一个～
在我门口只贴着张 sticky note~

再也不能在他看戏或专心上网时吓吓他～

再也看不到他被吓，然后气得骂粗口的样子～

再也听不到有人在客厅高歌～

在也听不到他电脑播放着 “一眼瞬间” 以及圣歌～

啊～突然不想时间那么快过，真希望大家又从第一个学期开始认识那时～

我知道 Life need to go on and continue its journey...

我会非常非常怀念这段大家一起，吵吵闹闹的日子～T.T

Endless Troubles & Problems

最近问题多，麻烦多，烦恼多...
只想快快考完试，然后享受独自在金宝的生活...
对某些人来说，金宝=死城=地狱...
对我来说，是个天堂...

家里有问题，只能扮没事...
我能做什么？扮无知...
如果拿样东西来形容，只能说我是“糨糊”
把快破掉的玻璃勉强粘着，希望能拖些时间...
看着那玻璃，却又不能做些什么...好没用的感觉...
看着家里最小片的玻璃，总是在我不在时，在这年纪受着这般苦...
心酸的一句  “你在金宝就好啦，和朋友一起，能玩，能静静地读书，家里的事，你什么都不知道”
我怎会不知，知道又能做些什么？

感情路上，总是觉得我是，“我要怎样就怎样的恋情，对方也要跟着我的步伐...”
以前的她总是能紧贴地跟着我...
但是我知道并不是每个人都能忍受...
不过...
你的强硬...和我固执...
把我们的感情路搞得更狼藉，难走...
我知道现在的我很糟，以前的我更糟...
我改不了过去，不过我正在改变现在的我...
接不接受得了，永远是你的选择...

Problems~

怎么就是那么多问题...
几天不到又有事发生...
好累...
不是给不到你安全感...
是连我自己也对这恋情没安全感...所以没给你任何承诺...
以大家的性格，没事就好，有事就肯定是难搞了...
我觉得，再酱下去，不把问题解决，大家都撑不了多久...